Milestones

Father Time and Baby New Year from Frolic & Fun, 1897-found on Wikipedia

I suppose a little throat clearing is in order. It almost feels as though I should re-introduce myself. Uh, I’m Mardougrrl, intrepid (and frazzled) mother of toddler Madam, wife of busy TEG, desperately wannabe writer.

See, I find milestones daunting. I tend to freeze up just when I want to be most fluid, creative, inspiring. So when I realized that not only would this be my hundredth post on One Hand Typing, but also my first post of the New Year…I clammed up. I wanted some sort of grand summation of events, or else a polished piece of limpid fiction or poetry to justify taking so much time away. But soon it became clear that none of that would happen, and meanwhile time flowed on, and I hated feeling so disconnected from my blog tribe. So here I am…wanting so badly to blog that I am willing to blog, well, badly.

Do not doubt that this place has changed me. Reading you all has changed me, also. I thought I would be able to remain bobbing on the surface of my life, writing pithy little posts about motherhood and life that would entertain me and, perhaps, one or two other people. But instead, the search for something to say led me to tunnel through my mind, my history. And I haven’t liked everything I have discovered. But I’m grateful for all of it. Even the anger, even the darkness.

So, a belated Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Happy New Year, Eid Mubarak, Happy Kwanzaa.

In my brief time online since I’ve been back from the holidays (I thought the flight alone with Madam would be the worst part, but it was not having access to a computer!) I noticed that some of you have made lists of 365 things you are grateful for from the past year, as a way of greeting the New Year. That is quite beyond me at the moment, but I did make a list of twelve thoughts I want to let go of in 2007.


1) I need someone else to live out my life’s dreams for me.
2) I can’t go after my dreams; they are too impractical.
3) If I have not done what I want, it’s because I’m not innately that kind of person.
4) My fears tell me about myself—they tell me I’m not capable.
5) Being a mother means giving up fun and deferring dreams indefinitely.
6) If I find ways that make it easier for me to achieve my dreams, I shouldn’t need to use them because they are obviously crutches and prove I am weak and undeserving.
7) People I admire would never and will never like me.
8) All of my negative thoughts about me are true.
9) It’s too late, I’m too old, I can’t change now—too much history has gone by.
10) I can’t learn to meditate—it’s for other people.
11) I have to cling to all of my old stories about myself—whether they serve me or not—because they are True.
12) If I don’t do it right, I shouldn’t do it at all—I can’t learn, or make mistakes. Doing it wrong, even at the beginning, means I am not meant to do it. (And the corollary to this thought—if it is not absolutely original, it is unworthy. Imitation is a sin worthy of Hades.)

Here’s to creating more mental space for new, affirming thoughts in 2007.