Wednesday, January 10, 2007

Milestones

Father Time and Baby New Year from Frolic & Fun, 1897-found on Wikipedia
I suppose a little throat clearing is in order. It almost feels as though I should re-introduce myself. Uh, I’m Mardougrrl, intrepid (and frazzled) mother of toddler Madam, wife of busy TEG, desperately wannabe writer.

See, I find milestones daunting. I tend to freeze up just when I want to be most fluid, creative, inspiring. So when I realized that not only would this be my hundredth post on One Hand Typing, but also my first post of the New Year…I clammed up. I wanted some sort of grand summation of events, or else a polished piece of limpid fiction or poetry to justify taking so much time away. But soon it became clear that none of that would happen, and meanwhile time flowed on, and I hated feeling so disconnected from my blog tribe. So here I am…wanting so badly to blog that I am willing to blog, well, badly.

Do not doubt that this place has changed me. Reading you all has changed me, also. I thought I would be able to remain bobbing on the surface of my life, writing pithy little posts about motherhood and life that would entertain me and, perhaps, one or two other people. But instead, the search for something to say led me to tunnel through my mind, my history. And I haven’t liked everything I have discovered. But I’m grateful for all of it. Even the anger, even the darkness.

So, a belated Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Happy New Year, Eid Mubarak, Happy Kwanzaa.

In my brief time online since I’ve been back from the holidays (I thought the flight alone with Madam would be the worst part, but it was not having access to a computer!) I noticed that some of you have made lists of 365 things you are grateful for from the past year, as a way of greeting the New Year. That is quite beyond me at the moment, but I did make a list of twelve thoughts I want to let go of in 2007.


1) I need someone else to live out my life’s dreams for me.
2) I can’t go after my dreams; they are too impractical.
3) If I have not done what I want, it’s because I’m not innately that kind of person.
4) My fears tell me about myself—they tell me I’m not capable.
5) Being a mother means giving up fun and deferring dreams indefinitely.
6) If I find ways that make it easier for me to achieve my dreams, I shouldn’t need to use them because they are obviously crutches and prove I am weak and undeserving.
7) People I admire would never and will never like me.
8) All of my negative thoughts about me are true.
9) It’s too late, I’m too old, I can’t change now—too much history has gone by.
10) I can’t learn to meditate—it’s for other people.
11) I have to cling to all of my old stories about myself—whether they serve me or not—because they are True.
12) If I don’t do it right, I shouldn’t do it at all—I can’t learn, or make mistakes. Doing it wrong, even at the beginning, means I am not meant to do it. (And the corollary to this thought—if it is not absolutely original, it is unworthy. Imitation is a sin worthy of Hades.)

Here’s to creating more mental space for new, affirming thoughts in 2007.

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12 Comments:

Blogger deirdre said...

Welcome home. And back to blogging too. I hope this is the year you kick those fears to the curb. Your talent stuns me with it's beauty. Blog way, sweetie, so I have more yummy words to read.

10:34 PM, January 10, 2007  
Anonymous fern said...

It's feels WONDERFUL to read your writing again, so much of what you've said in the last 100 posts touched me. In case I don't say it enough, I absolutely adore your witing...your insight has challenged and inspired me...so thank you for sharing so much of yourself with us.

These two thoughts really resonated with me, it sounds so familiar...

3) If I have not done what I want, it’s because I’m not innately that kind of person.
4) My fears tell me about myself—they tell me I’m not capable.

So often I use my fear as an indictaor if something is "right" for me, when maybe that fear isn't anything more than..fear. So this year, like you, I resolve to be the kind of person that decides that my desire to DO is more important than the fear that's held me hostage for so long.

Happy New Year..I know it will be a year full of adventure and fufillment and joy for you.

10:46 PM, January 10, 2007  
Anonymous Emmie (Better Make It A Double) said...

Welcome back. I love those thoughts, they are very inspirational. Here's to 2007!

10:03 AM, January 11, 2007  
Blogger Yummyteece said...

Good to see you back my dear.

I completely understand the "oh heavens, it's the new year, I oughta say SOMETHING important" urge. I've had it too, and find it equally as stumping. (Stumping? is that a word? eek!)

anyway, my point being, I'm glad to see you came through that fear and wrote anyway. As always it was wonderful to read.

3:39 PM, January 11, 2007  
Blogger beansprout said...

So glad to see you are back! And a wonderful list of things to let fo of. All the best in 2007!

4:13 PM, January 11, 2007  
Blogger liz elayne said...

i take a breath
i let go
i take a breath
i let go

this ran through my head as i read your words. beginning to let go is a beautiful thing.

so glad you shared this...

peace and blessings to you in this new year!

5:55 PM, January 11, 2007  
Anonymous Marilyn said...

Your list is a perfect example of how perception by others and self-perception can be so disparate. I can't imagine I'm the only one who reads here who thinks that you should never believe those things about yourself...and yet seeing your list, I have no doubt that you have. LET THEM GO! Unfetter yourself and shower yourself with deservingness...because you do deserve the best this life has to offer...to live your dreams the way that YOU want to manifest them. xoxo

8:27 AM, January 12, 2007  
Blogger Ally Bean said...

This is a great idea. I love it.

I like your #11. I think that for those of us with a love of words and stories this is an important one to keep in mind.

9:08 AM, January 12, 2007  
Blogger wendy said...

soo soo nice to have you back!

10:31 AM, January 12, 2007  
Blogger Laini Taylor said...

So glad to have you back!!!!! I've checked over here plenty of times during your absence! As for your list of things to un-think, I hope you kick all that negative crap out of your head this year. Happy New Year!

10:34 AM, January 12, 2007  
Blogger Frida World said...

Yay - lovely to find your words here.

I'm joining you on 10) I am just going to keep sitting there with the meditation tape on my iPod and start believing that I can do it.

I'll let you know how that goes - an keep coming back for your delicious writing.

11:34 PM, January 12, 2007  
Blogger Colorsonmymind said...

Good things to let go of sweetie.

Love the pic at the top-and as always reading your honesty is so heartwarming.

You are terrific.

Hugs

8:51 PM, January 13, 2007  

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