Monday, November 27, 2006

Tagged, and missing you all

I seem to have forgotten how to blog, which has led to anxiety--will you all forget me? Will I forget myself? If I don't blog, do I exist?

This is getting heavy. But I do miss you all--I miss sharing your daily insights, and adding my own to the heapful goodness. I hope I can get back to that soon. But naps have been sadly scarce, and nighttime sleep? Alas.

My novel has ground to a halt, same as this blog, same as my morning pages. I long to move them all into motion again soon--my rocks up the hill of Nothing.

Thinking a lot about fear, but nothing gels into a post. Maybe because the fear is so pervasive, it's almost like trying to grasp mist in my fingers. Short version--I am afraid. And I am tired of being afraid.

One thought has risen to the forefront, again and again. It feels important, even as I struggle to really understand it.

Fear doesn't say anything meaningful about who you are, or your possibilities, or your personhood. It is just...fear.

A dear friend tagged me, so I'll use that as a way to ease back into my home. Hope you had a wonderful holiday, more Thankful than mine was.

One word responses:

1. Yourself: discontent
2. Your partner: busy
3. Your hair: curly
4. Your mother: critical
5. Your father: hiding
6. Your favorite item: book
7. Your dream last night: meaningful
8. Your favorite drink: coffee
9. Your dream car: Mini
10. The room you are in: chaos
11. Your ex: lost
12. Your fear: meaninglessness
13. What you want to be in 10 years: writing
14. Who you hung out with last night: friend
15. What you're not: vapid
16. Muffins: apple
17: One of your wish list items: time
18: Time: hunger
19. The last thing you did: read
20. What you are wearing: pjs
21. Your favorite weather: sunny
22. Your favorite book: many
23. The last thing you ate: scone
24. Your life: Sisyphean
25. Your mood: longing
26. Your best friend: brilliant
27. What you're thinking about right now: sadness
28. Your car: fear
29. What you are doing at the moment: listing
30. Your summer: joyous
31. Your relationship status: still
32. What is on your TV: nothing
33. What is the weather like: unseasonable
34. When was the last time you laughed: today

Totally optional Tagging :)--Jessie, Alexandra


Blogger deirdre said...

Oh, there you are!! I was thinking about you today and hoping you'd post something soon. I've missed you.

4:44 PM, November 27, 2006  
Blogger la vie en rose said...

you do still exist...and we haven't, and won't, forget you...

your thought on fear is brilliant and wise. i had to copy it down so i could reflect on it and let it soak in.

4:45 PM, November 27, 2006  
Blogger Rach said...

Despite it all, you laughed today. Memes can be hard to read and understand but I got yours completely. Good answers, hard and truthful. And don't worry about the blogsphere, that's the beauty of it, everyone understands the blips and is just really thrilled when you come back to it.

5:11 PM, November 27, 2006  
Anonymous beansprout said...

You are unforgettable! "Don't let fear move the way it wants you to." I love that advice.

6:39 PM, November 27, 2006  
Blogger Jessie said...

M., I've been thinking about you a lot lately. And I'm glad to see another post...but I wouldn't be to hard on yourself. I mean, you did, after all, just finish writing more than 50,000 words in a few short weeks. The way I see it, there is a time to get it all out and there is a time to fill the well. But I understand those strange feelings of fear all to well. Be gentle on yourself. I couldn't forget about you if you wanted me to!

ok...but it's been like, what? 3 weeks since I last saw you?? And it's totally my fault. I'm going to send you an e-mail right now.

i've missed you much more than you probably realize!

7:01 PM, November 27, 2006  
Anonymous fern said...

Fear is an interesting thing. Most of the time, I struggle with deciding whether it's trying to keep me from harm, or if it's just something that limits me.
Nice to see you posting :) Can't wait to hear more about how your novel is progessing..keep on going! You can do it :)

11:29 PM, November 27, 2006  
Anonymous Marilyn said...

"Your favorite weather: sunny" ... And you live where again? ;) As someone who longs for sun year-round, just wondering if the weather could be adding even a tiny bit to your feelings lately. As for disappearing...dont'cha know? might disappear for awhile from the blog...but you're not going to disappear from our hearts. So, no worries. xoxox

4:55 AM, November 28, 2006  
Blogger paris parfait said...

Glad to have you back. As for fear, pfttt! No need for that monster lurking around - send him off to Washington, where they thrive on that sort of thing. Nice meme.

7:02 PM, November 28, 2006  
Blogger Colorsonmymind said...

Ahhhh yes I have to giggle because I am feeling anxiety about posting, naps are scarce here as well, and my laptop is inthe shop so I have to sneak upstairs to get on the computer.

You exist-and I am glad you posted this.
Love to you

11:21 AM, November 29, 2006  
Blogger Ally Bean said...

It's lovely to hear from you. Post when you can. I agree with Rach.

4:50 AM, November 30, 2006  
Blogger liz elayne said...

love all of these words...

and glad to read your words again...hope you are finding just the right space to let feelings of balance in...i am trying to live my way into that experience myself...

8:39 PM, November 30, 2006  
Blogger Alexandra G said...

Whether you blog once a year or once a day I will always happily keep my eyes peeled for the next installment, truly and truly. I find your challenges and journey deeply meaningful, inspiring, and vital. And I WILL do this tag in the next few days for sure! (I'm moving this weekend so not sure as to exactly which day when I can smush in some good time.) Thanks for tagging me Miss M and I enjoyed your associations with each. I wanted to read more.

12:39 PM, December 01, 2006  
Blogger megg said...

This was a neat tag - boiling it down to one word is a great exercise - I hope it fueled you a little. Be gentle - we're still here and so are you - and so is your writing. Maybe you just need a fun date - artist date - BREAK!!

10:33 AM, December 02, 2006  
Anonymous krista said...

OK, this made me stop:

"Your life: Sisyphean"

Tell me you're kidding- please! Your life isn't futile. It can't be.

You're growing, moving, changing everyday!


10:05 PM, December 02, 2006  

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