Tuesday, June 10, 2008

Returning


From here.


This post may be a little bit like Genesis with all of the beginnings.

You may also be able to sing it to a blues beat.

So much has happened during the last four months or so. Most of it bad. Turns out that rushing to the emergency room in the middle of the night was actually a high point.

As I mentioned in a previous post, TEG's mother became very ill, and thus we've moved in with his family to help her with her recovery. So that's five adults and one toddler in a small(ish) space. Surprisingly, it hasn't been as terrible as I had dreaded. But seven weeks is a long time to be away from home.

But that's not even what has turned out to be the biggest problem. Like Dante, “in the middle of the journey of our life I came to myself within a dark wood where the straight way was lost.” It's been an endless soul winter that moved me inexorably to a worse milestone. My 35th birthday.

Ba da ba dum.

Go ahead and laugh, but I really thought I'd be somewhere else by this time. You know the fantasy—I'd be a polished, brilliant creative writer, living in a fabulous, eccentric charmer of a house, where I often hosted gatherings for my artist tribe. A whole stove of manuscripts would be simmering on every burner—front, back, and side. And of course, I'd have a wonderfully behaved little Madam who would provide endless streams of inspiration and laughter.

Go ahead and laugh. I can wait.

None of this has come to pass (well, that last one is true on very good, really not bad days). Quite the opposite. My writing has dried up, leaving behind a keening muse and sad memories. I am living in a limbo dictated by sick parents, or aging parents, or a million and one practical concerns, not one of which convinces the pouting four year old that I have evidently become.

I had to step away from blogging because I was woefully depressed (and following my Mami's advice, “If you don't have nothing nice to say, then say nothing.”) but also because it wasn't working. Blogging started to feel like some sort of a high school purgatorio where I saw all of you as the Cool Kids, the lucky, bright, brilliant ones, and I couldn't measure up. My genuine excitement for your triumphs was coated over by a slimy ickiness that had submerged all of my finer feelings.

But that's not even the whole truth. I left this place because I reached a point where I was getting angry. Angry that you all were so inspirational and wonderful. Yes, if depression is anger turned inward, mine was a more troubling, encompassing thing, soiling all things at once. Because I didn't have any faith that things could EVER be better, I couldn't stand to read the faith that you all share everyday. I just couldn't believe that things could ever change. I couldn't believe that there would be a day without depression. I couldn't believe in magic or creativity or hope.

And yet, I am back here. Because I need those things I don't know if I still believe in. And I miss you.

I made a radical decision on my birthday this year. If a fuss needs to be made on my behalf, I need to make it. I want to be happy, even if I don't deserve it. Even if I never accomplish another blessed thing in my lifetime. Even if I never write again. I don't want to cut myself off from the whole spectrum of deeply lived life anymore. I get so much happiness from you all—happiness I am still not sure I deserve. I want that, even if your general amazing-ness casts a shadow of envy onto my own life. Because I am happy being an enthusiastic cheerleader, it's one of the few things that I really believe I can do well.

So much more to tell you about—like my foray back into soap opera land, my strange last couple of months, how I've realized that beating yourself up really DOES serve an odd purpose (even though it doesn't actually work) and how I've learned that lying to yourself ruins absolutely EVERYTHING.

Ba da ba dum.

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10 Comments:

Blogger Leah said...

(((hugs))) and welcome back!

you do deserve love, happiness, magic, & joy. oh yes, you do!

10:46 AM, June 10, 2008  
Blogger bella rum said...

I believe I found this place just as you were leaving, but I kept checking in. I hope that you really are back because, in my book, the following is "real" writing. It's truthful, vulnerable, unflattering to self, and universal. It's what makes the reader connect, but it takes courage, doesn't it?

"Because I didn't have any faith that things could EVER be better, I couldn't stand to read the faith that you all share everyday. I just couldn't believe that things could ever change. I couldn't believe that there would be a day without depression."

11:29 AM, June 10, 2008  
Blogger Deirdre said...

I'm so, so glad you're back. I've missed you.

You've had a tremendous upheaval in your life - and turning 35 in the middle of it is a strange flavor of icing. It gets better. Honest.

I'm going to write you a long email tonight. xoxo

1:24 PM, June 10, 2008  
Blogger Frida said...

welcome back
i was gone for most of those four months as well
but for slightly different reasons
i hope i still have your email address in my gmail
because i would rather email you right now

7:36 PM, June 10, 2008  
Blogger Lisa said...

You are so sweet and so honest and I have missed you. I'm staring down the muzzle of my 47th birthday in less than a month and...well, you'll probably see an email from me soon too with the stuff I don't post...it ain't just you :)

2:12 AM, June 11, 2008  
Blogger Jessie said...

welcome back, dear m. i started with this post and now i get to work my way to the one that was posted after it as well. i have missed you and am glad you're back. i will say, however, that you are much more than a cheerleader. don't fool yourself. ;)

big hugs,
j.

7:28 PM, June 11, 2008  
Blogger Becca said...

Oh, I've been worried about you, and I'm glad to see you back on the page again.

You are in the midst of a rough patch of life, no doubt about it. But you are an amazing writer, and that is something that will never leave you. And all these things you're going through will actually make you a better writer one day.

Two years ago when I turned 50 I felt a similar upheaval...my life was more than half over and look what I had not accomplished! Panic set in, pure and simple.

That's when I started blogging, started writing again after years of silence. It has helped more than I would have expected.

You (and your family) are in my thoughts.

9:47 PM, June 13, 2008  
Blogger Melba said...

Remember you were born worthy. You do deserve all your hearts wonderful beautiful desires.

I can't believe I missed your birthday!

Happy Birthday!

I feel like I kept coming here and checking in on you but now I have somehow missed 3 posts. I am Sorry!
XO,
Melba

12:00 PM, June 16, 2008  
Blogger Amber said...

"I want to be happy, even if I don't deserve it."--

Okay sister. I was with you, until this. *SLAP SLAP SLAP* upside your head. Did you feel that? Good. Why in the world would you not deserve to be happy? Were you one of the Manson Wives, and I missed that tidbit? Do you abuse small animals??

I have also been fighting--FIGHTING!-- depression. I get it. Totally. I have been feeling like I have nothing good to say here on blogs, too. yes yes yes.

But that has nothing to do with deserving happiness. We must know that we all deserve happiness, just because we are children of Light. Period. It is just that this being human shit...it can be rough. We lose our way sometimes. That's all.

I missed you. Write whatever. Give yoru self a break.

((hug))

:)

11:59 PM, June 17, 2008  
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