Tuesday, February 19, 2008

Charlie Brown


(from this site)


Lately, any moment of reflection and silence leads to an interaction with THAT voice. You know the one...the one that says you are no good, never were, will never be worthy of attention or admiration and all the people in your life who say they love you are just waiting for you to die so their REAL lives can begin.

Yeah, THAT voice.

I have taken to calling it Charlie Brown.

This has helped tremendously. It helps me smile at it, a little, when it starts with its inevitable whine about how everything good is happening to everyone else. I have begun to see his little bald head, bending down dejectedly after having the football snatched away yet again (oh, cruel Lucy!). I see the striped yellow jersey, determinedly out of fashion, with its hopeful lightning zag across the chest (Charlie Brown has secret superhero longings, like we all do). I see him looking at the little Red Haired Girl, always just out of reach, embarrassed by the force of his own daydreams.

And instead of shoving the voice down into the deepest, most ashamed closet in my psyche, I listen to it. I chat with it. And I have compassion for it.

But I try not to live by it anymore. I remind Charlie that despite his long history of failure, he never fails to give himself one more shot, one more kick at that football, one more glance at the Red Haired Girl. I remind myself that Charlie Brown is bright, and empathetic, and soulful even when the world calls him a loser and tries to shout him down.

I'm learning not to be afraid of him anymore.

But I'm still going to be wary of brunettes holding footballs.

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9 Comments:

Anonymous fern said...

I adore "Peanuts" and I love this post. I salute you on having the courage to start over, to try to find some higher ground. It is so difficult to find that strength through the constant demands of the day. You deserve self care and self confidence, you are too wonderful to not to treat yourself better!

10:10 PM, February 19, 2008  
Blogger Lisa said...

You are beautiful and you are a winner in everything I've ever seen or sensed you doing. In the end, Charlie Brown always had the vision that everybody else lacked -- and what a heart. xo

12:20 AM, February 20, 2008  
Blogger Frida said...

I'm with Lisa - Charlie Brown may need reminding that he is not actually a loser, but no one can beat him on heart. x

3:51 AM, February 20, 2008  
Blogger Yummyteece said...

Wow... i love this post. I've been haunted by my own voice lately, and this is a wonderful new perspective to take.

Thank you, you lovely wonderful woman, for gracing us with your words. I always find them nourishing for the soul.

3:35 PM, February 21, 2008  
Blogger liz elayne said...

this idea of giving that voice a name...a harmless name...that is just brilliant.
and being aware of brunettes with footballs - yes!

oh honey i just love this...

sending you peace and light tonight.

11:45 PM, February 21, 2008  
Blogger kate said...

"I listen to it. I chat with it. And I have compassion for it. But I try not to live by it anymore."

I love the way you put this. I think so many of us have this voice and I think that treating it with compassion is the way to do it. You are strong and brilliant and I'm so thankful that I know you. I get strength from your words, always.

1:10 PM, February 25, 2008  
Blogger Deirdre said...

I've heard before that we should have compassion for that *voice*, that we shouldn't hate it so much, but I've never been able to give it such a kind face. I like the way you've embraced your own vulnerability.

5:26 PM, February 25, 2008  
Anonymous Annie said...

That was great. Now I know just what to do when that "voice" starts in, thanks :-)

5:40 PM, February 26, 2008  
Blogger bella rum said...

A wonderful and honest post. Most of us have a Charlie Brown, but not everyone is brave enough to expose him to others. I loved it.

2:30 PM, March 02, 2008  

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