Thursday, March 20, 2008

So...

I haven't been on a whole lot lately. Not here and not on any blogs. I wish I had a reason, but...I just haven't wanted to be in the blog world. Things have been vaguely surreal since my early morning hospital visit (although we are all fine, and thank you so much for your kind words). 

I feel a logjam in my heart...a mass of something overwhelming and strange. And I can't seem to dislodge it. 

So I do the next best thing. I try and distract myself, listen to music, sing. Sometimes it even almost works.

What does it mean when you lose interest in almost everything you once loved? I find myself almost viscerally recoiling from books, from words. I practically cross the street when I see a bookstore. My library requests are being returned to the shelves, unread. Today was the first day I have done my morning pages in weeks. They were...not illuminating.

Perhaps it's just worry. TEG ended up extending his stay in India. By the time he gets home, we will have been apart almost a month.

Perhaps it's dislocation. Our lease is up here soon and we need to make a decision on where to move next. A decision we are finding most difficult to make. 

Perhaps it's hormones. I finally managed to wean the Madam.

As always, more questions than answers.

5 Comments:

Blogger Jessie said...

big hugs to ya, babe. rack this up as a time of transition. someday you'll look back and see how it moved you from point A to point B...and it will all make sense.

i love you!
j.

1:13 PM, March 21, 2008  
Blogger Amber said...

You know what? No joke about the hormones. Really. When I stopped nursing, I felt like I was a nutjob for weeks! It is crazy how powerful they are. Give yourself some time to even out a bit. ;)

I have also been feeling like being absent here, and am not sure why. I just...needed it? Maybe you just need it. Maybe you don't need to know why. Just go with it! See what it is you are meant to see.

I'm still here. In unity. ;)

oxox :)

11:13 PM, March 23, 2008  
Blogger Frida said...

Sounds like more than enough reasons to be feeling a strange shift. I agree with Jessie - there is a shift and the "from where to where?" question might not be answered for a while yet. Transitions, huh. Hope your TEG gets home soon and safe.

3:33 PM, March 24, 2008  
Blogger Melba said...

I think hormones play a much bigger part than we admit. we are expected to be even keel. but really i don't know anyone who is always even keel. I Know I am not.

Love you!
Talk to you soon!
:)
XO,
Melba

4:05 PM, March 24, 2008  
Blogger Colorsonmymind said...

It makes complete sense that you are feeling this way.

I am currently going through something similar.

Sending you warm revitalizing thoughts and wishes.

XO

6:17 AM, March 25, 2008  

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