Monday, May 15, 2006

Sunday/Monday Scribblings: The books I would write



I don’t know why the ideas don’t come. I’ve set the mood--fragrant steam swirling from my coffee cup, napping Madam, open document, blank with the cursor blinking...blinking...blinking...

"Did you read some of the Scribblings already up?"

I know this voice.

I know I should ignore it, but as always, I rise to the bait.

After all, I know all of my own buttons.

"Yeah, they’re funny and fabulous, as usual." I try to stay positive, not an easy thing when I’m being visited by Resistance, Resi for short. I turn back to the computer screen. Hope Resi just goes away.

"Better than anything you could come up with."

"It’s not a competition."

"Oh, come on! Everything is a competition!" She replied. "How else do you know if you’ve done it right?"

I hunch over the keyboard, trying to block her view of my still-blank screen. "It’s just about having fun." I don’t even sound convincing to myself, let alone to, well, myself-as-Resi.

"It’s only fun if you can do it will, which we all know you can’t...these people who read your stuff, they are just being nice to you, you know." She sighs and moves close to my screen, squinting. "Oh, let me help you--let’s see what you’ve got..."

"How about--"

"Stupid."


"Well, OK, what about--"

"Embarassing!"


"OK, then--"
"No!"

"About-"
"Bad!"

"This--"
"Wrong!"

I held my head in frustration.

"You know...you aren’t making it any easier! Thanks to you I can barely write my own name!"

She slid closer to me, took an ingratiating tone.

"Look, I’m just looking out for us...you. I don’t want to disappoint anyone. What if they find out the truth? That we have NO IDEA what the hell we’re doing? They’d laugh...they’d point...they’d KNOW. I’m just protecting you!"

"Maybe I just shouldn’t write anything!"

She grinned. "That’s the spirit! After all...nobody cares what you have to say anyway! Who do you think you are, talking about the books you would write...ha! More like the books you wouldn’t write."

I turned away from the computer, feeling bested by her again. As we moved towards the television, I whispered, "What if I could write the kind of books I need? The kind of book that gets dog-eared, read at the breakfast table and under the covers at night? Underlined with exclamation points around the quotes? The kind where you ache from the beauty of it, beauty that is suddenly visible all around you? The kind where you spend a day or a week or a month dressing like the heroine, talking like her, getting behind her eyes so completely that you feel like you've been dropped in a new and shiny and better life?"

Resi grew alarmed, tried harder to pull me towards the sweet narcolepsy of the television. But now I couldn’t seem to stop.

"What if I could write the kind of books that can teach you to be bold, to be big and succulent and sexy in your skin? To writhe in joy like a cat on a sunny sidewalk? To see the eccentric fascination that slants sideways in the world, and even in yourself? The kind of book where someone who never thought much of her mind, or her own thoughts, could see them flash, electric and thrilling, and say, 'Yes, exactly. That is it, exactly.'"

"What if I could write a book that could shout a YES that could drown out even your eternal NO?"

She frowned.

"That wouldn’t be a very good book."


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For more of the wonderful Sunday Scribblings that caused my Resistance to visit, go here.

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20 Comments:

Blogger Nicole said...

Clever girl...clever post..

12:31 AM, May 16, 2006  
Blogger deirdre said...

Ah, the critics' voice. Tell Resi to shut up, you're good.

1:14 AM, May 16, 2006  
Blogger Laini said...

Yay, I'm so glad she didn't get the better of you! I have to admit about halfway through I was getting worried, thinking, this is clever and funny and I relate, but... I really want to know what kind of book Mardougrrl would write! So I was so glad you triumphed. Your description of those wonderful beloved books is great. Wouldn't it be something to write a book like that?

1:20 AM, May 16, 2006  
Blogger paris parfait said...

Clever post! We all struggle with that inner voice, sometimes making us think we're not good enough. We just have to follow our own path and not try to emulate someone else - each of us has our own style and our own voice. It would be boring if we all wrote alike! I love your ideas and would be happy to read your book!

3:50 AM, May 16, 2006  
Blogger Cate said...

This is fabulous--witty and real. I was practically clutching my chest as I read because I am "there" constantly, paralyzed with fear and doubt. Thank you, as always, for sharing these important, honest parts of yourself--you triumph in each amazing piece you write! xo

7:00 AM, May 16, 2006  
Blogger Kristy said...

Loved it. Witty and very, very real. Sounds very much like a few conversations I've had in my life.

9:32 AM, May 16, 2006  
Blogger Ally Bean said...

love this. so true.

why do we resist ourselves, anyhow?

9:44 AM, May 16, 2006  
Anonymous Jennifer (she said) said...

Like this...you always come up with interesting ways into the theme & this one is no different. I would make my inner critic read any book that could drown out the "no".

10:31 AM, May 16, 2006  
Blogger M said...

Love this! Very creative and so glad you were able to triumph this time! I think your book ideas are wonderful too.

10:46 AM, May 16, 2006  
Anonymous Diana said...

Yep, this sounds so familiar!

Do people really sometimes read the other entries before writing their own? I am brand new to Sunday Scribblings, but I didn't dare take a peek at any other offerings until I'd posted my link. I know myself too well. :/

11:02 AM, May 16, 2006  
Blogger Susannah said...

I think we should line up your Resi and mine against a wall and shoot them. in the head.

i want to read your big sexy succulent books, i love the way you write
Sx

11:56 AM, May 16, 2006  
Blogger Living Part Deux said...

That VOICE. It is relentless. I'm glad you quieted her. Your dream of books is magic. And you are the only one who can write just them. Go ahead. Drown her out!

2:30 PM, May 16, 2006  
Blogger liz elayne said...

this is so much fun...i love this. and i want to read this book so i hope you keep writing and writing.

3:19 PM, May 16, 2006  
Anonymous beansprout said...

Great post! My version of Resi (I call her Demonia) won out this week. I couldn't write about the books I would write. So glad you found a way!

3:50 PM, May 16, 2006  
Blogger Yummyteece said...

YES!! OH heck yea... You officially Kicked Resi's BUTT in this round. Good for you!

5:17 PM, May 16, 2006  
Blogger brittany said...

get rid of her. She obviously doesn't know what she's talking about! You can tell her I said so--I loved your post!

6:43 PM, May 16, 2006  
Blogger fern_leaf said...

I'm so happy you decided to write this!!!!!!! SO. HAPPY! I'm so proud that you did it, and you got the best of that ther part of you. I know you could never stop writing- it is an integral part of you. Awesome post!

11:12 PM, May 16, 2006  
Blogger gkgirl said...

ahhhhhh
now this...
this...
this was perfect...
interesting and funny
and smart and yet a little sad...

and twisty and turny
not sure where it would go...

and soooooo relate-able
:)

4:56 AM, May 18, 2006  
Blogger gkgirl said...

oh.
and you can tell resi
i
(among others, i'm sure)
am not saying
this stuff
only to be nice.

it takes alot of effort for me to
be nice..i don't hand it out easily
(heehee, i'm kind of kidding here,
i am a nice person...i think...hee)

4:58 AM, May 18, 2006  
Blogger owlhaven said...

I love the title of your blog. I'm typing one-handed myself at the moment... most of the time, in fact.

Mary, mom to many

3:54 PM, May 23, 2006  

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