Sunday, September 24, 2006

Fall, again


Fall presses down on me, calls forth a buzzing in my blood similar to that experienced by the animals as they prepare for another long winter. Only my every instinct says "change, change."

It feel as though so many of you are writing and thinking about this—this desire to become who we know we MUST be, somewhere and on some level. So why is it so hard? I sense my other Self just ahead of me, impatient, waiting for me to move forward and merge with her. So why can’t I? I think part of it is that I really DO believe it should be easy. I know, I know. But if it’s an effort to do certain things, then doesn’t it mean that they are not natural to who I REALLY am? And yet I long for them, long for beauty around me despite the fact that I know nothing about interior decorating. Long for gorgeous clothes that feel like ME even though I barely have the energy (and the time) to shower most days. Long for a vibrant community of artists and writers around me, even though I don’t always find the words to comment to you all, the artists and writers I actually HAVE around me.

So...if it’s all such work, then does it fit into my life? I don’t know. All I know is that my life feels small lately. TEG thinks that I censor myself too much, am too dependent on approval and validation from the universe. I think he’s right, especially on the first part of his statement, but for some reason I can only really see all of that hindsight. I go over conversations with my friends, my parents, and am shocked to see how much I hide of myself, and then I despair that they don’t really know me. But, again, hindsight. Why can’t I catch this as its happening and take the risk?

I’ve also been thinking a great deal about an old, old dream of mine...something that is difficult for me to articulate in its fullness. I dream of a bohemian life for myself, a life full of travel and art and literature and unconventional friends and an unconventional ME who is always learning, always working, always writing. It sounds trite when I put it into words, incomplete somehow. And because I can’t really imagine it into fullness, I can’t seem to make it happen. I know that part of it is that I fear that it’s black or white—either I am in the mainstream or deliberately outside of it. And I do love aspects of the mainstream, and I don’t want to turn away from Project Runway or America’s Next Top Model. I don’t want to have to walk away from my family—can be the kind of mother, the kind of wife I want to be even as I pursue a different path? Why does it feel like I have to be alone in order to be who I want to be? Am I creating a false choice?

The other problem is, honestly, I can’t seem to attract this community into my life—I don’t know if its my ambivalence, or my fear of speaking boldly, or what, but I meet people I would love to get to know better, and...they never seem to want to get to know me. Ugh, that sounds whiny, but I have to be honest. That's more of an Eat, Pray, Love hangover...I was fascinated by her ability to attract all of those interesting people into her life. I kept waiting for her to share her secret, but alas, none was forthcoming.

All of me wants to give Madam the chance to see her parents engaged deeply in their work, in a life well lived. I am grateful that I saw my parents abandon themselves to joy, to dancing, even when they couldn’t always climb up that American ladder towards the Dream. They were passionate, loving people who overflowed into the lives of so many others. I don’t want Madam to see her parents living an arid life.

Tomorrow is my media-less day. I can feel myself trying to fill my mind with words in anticipation for tomorrow. But I know what I need is to really delve into the emptiness that I am forever rushing away from here. Maybe there I will find some of what I seek.



Anonymous FERN said...

Beautiful post.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a life full of contradictons- to be a wonderful mother and a free spirit.

What kind of life would we have if we weren't striving to achieve something better than ourselves? It's important to want things, and important to strive to live in all directions.

May I suggest that you're doing just that? Maybe not to the extent that you wish. But step outside of yourself for a moment and see what you are now- a wonderful mother, an insightful, creative writer, an interested and passionate individual. I don't think you have to change at all to find the woman you want to be...just expand on what you're already doing and enjoy who you are NOW.

10:08 PM, September 24, 2006  
Blogger Patry Francis said...

I keep stumbling onto mentions of Eat, Pray, Love in various places. Looks like it's calling my name.

No answers here, but know that another person frequenlty asks the same questions.

11:11 PM, September 24, 2006  
Anonymous beansprout said...

Insightful post. I struggle (as many,many of us do!) with all the same questions. And as it may be to admit, I think I often meet resistance because of my own fear and uncertainty. I don't send clear messages to the Universe about what I truly want to change so things remain as they have always been and nothing shifts. Change is a choice. It is a question of having the courage to undertake it that I struggle with. Hmmm...enough said...but know that struggling to become the person you were meant to be is worth each battle.

9:03 AM, September 25, 2006  
Anonymous AscenderRisesAbove said...

interesting comparrison; autumn and changing self; how natural.

Media-less day; what a great idea; so hard not to see what is happening in the world and be prepared

11:25 AM, September 25, 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Delurking to say how much I identify with many of the things you express each and every day, and today's post is no exception.

I was so sick of listening to myself on my old blog that I had to scrap it and start a new one just to gain a more positive outlook and make a fresh start. There are so many days I wish I could "run away from home" and live the life you have described today, but then reality sets in and that undeniable need for security (financial, familial, emotional) I have always felt steps in to remind me why I haven't thrown caution to the wind before.

Having just returned from my first glimpse of NYC, it refreshes those desires to explore the creative parts of myself. I, too, was hoping to find the key to a more creative life in EG's book; although it was a wonderful journey to read about, each of us must take a unique path and mine (and yours) cannot be a duplicate of another's.

Here's hoping that we can both find joy in each day, lest we trade it away for our heart's desire only to find in hindsight we were happier as we were.

Best wishes on your journey...

4:26 PM, September 25, 2006  
Blogger deirdre said...

It seems that, finally, I've learned life is never easy and that it should also not be so damn hard. Longing for something more will always lead you to the place it lives. Again, you've written graceful words about something that doesn't feel so great.

7:21 PM, September 25, 2006  
Blogger Laini said...

I have the same yearnings as you do for that sort of mystical bohemian life of adventure -- and the same ambivalence, too. Because while I WANT a group of vibrant friends, and I WANT fun creative evenings, and roadtrips, and long voyages, and all that. . . I also want to stay in my little cocoon and dream up the fantasy world of my writings, and I know how much solitude that takes. I want two lives, and the ability to leap back and forth between them! I also know what you mean about that bohemian life seeming somehow a separate dream from the life of being a happily married mother -- I think it might just seem that way because it was a dream that originated when you (we) were younger and single, and we just happened to picture it that way. Independent gypsy, and all that. But we just need to mold the dream. Also, I'm so glad to hear you love Project Runway and Top Model, my sister in shame! (Okay, no need to feel shame for Runway, but Model, just a bit. I never miss it though!!)

11:17 AM, September 26, 2006  
Blogger sophie said...

I love your dream.

You can weave bits of it into
a life with children - i do:)

It's the constant "re-committing"
each day to your dreams.

6:50 PM, September 26, 2006  
Blogger rachel said...

I love your words, and dreams. I have the same ones too, to be smouldering mysterious and interesting. Don't write yourself of, there is too much of the world that will do that for you. It's a long process, self discovery, tough along the way, but slowly....

7:35 AM, September 27, 2006  
Anonymous AscenderRisesAbove said...

very nice post. I liked the part about calling a buzzing in the blood; which gave me images of childhood; the yellowjackets with thier legs fat from flower pollen.

6:34 PM, September 27, 2006  
Blogger la vie en rose said...

i ache because i know...i ache because i dream the same dream...i ache because i always feel like that other me is right on the other side of the glass door but i can't get to her...i ache because i don't know how to live that fullness either...i ache because i long for that community as well and yet i can't seem to attract it either...i ache because i know...

4:58 PM, September 28, 2006  
Anonymous Marilyn said...

Let me speak from the vantage point of my (cough) age. ;) I lived 'underground' in many ways for years...I've had untraditional chapters of my life...and utterly mind-numbingly boringly traditional ones. I struggle with what you've described here EVERY DAY. BUT, the good news is that I FEEL the struggle less at this age...because as I begin to step into my authenticity, here's what happens: the people, places, things that AREN'T authentic for me have started making me feel excruciatingly uncomfortable to be around them. So I'd RATHER be alone a lot of the time (well, with you, with your know what I mean). The good news is that it ISN'T black and white...we can incorporate ELEMENTS of our 'dream life' (so to speak) even in our most mundane settings. Now, how to capture what we all have and love in the blogosphere in 'real' life? That's a tough one...and one that I don't seem good at making happen. So I've reframed things...stopped looking at this world at not-real...because what it gives me is very, very REAL. Don't know if any of that helps, but I relate to the struggle...I know it well. :)

9:01 AM, October 02, 2006  

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