Thursday, August 31, 2006

Morose

Am I just going around and around in circles? Am I running away from something? I know that when I start to fantasize about winning the lottery or receiving a call from a publishing friend out of the blue, telling me that she or he reads my blog and wants to publish me...it means that I'm ignoring reality again. Why am I looking for the easy way out, and wanting the quick fix solution?

Because I feel like while other people are striding heroically across the earth, I am on a treadmill of boredom and endless repetition…the kind where you have the same set of emotions so frequently you stop exploring them…you just label them and move on. Anger, frustration, bitterness…it’s all really just BOREDOM. I’ve always been addicted to novelty…I’ll admit it. I am forever waiting for signs and miracles and star alignment and daisies dropped in my path from the universe. And lately, either it’s not happening or I just don’t have eyes to see it. I sit on a plateau…in my mothering and in my writing life and in my marriage. Nothing is terrible and nothing is working, either.

I don’t want to blame being a mother (although, Lord, the tantrums are really wearing me down to a shrill little nub of a person)—even before Madam was born, I would fall into this passive rut, expecting some external thrill to shock back into wakefulness and life. But back then, I could jumpstart something, by taking a "mental health" day from work and reassessing my priorities, or traveling, or taking a class—just something that reminded me that I COULD take some action and move forward, however incrementally.

None of those options are possible anymore, for various reasons. I suppose it’s good that I can’t gloss over it anymore, this need to flit from distraction to distraction. But…I miss the sense of possibility I used to feel. I miss the fun, the excitement of having something to look forward to.

When I was in India, the women in TEG’s family would tell me that even though they stayed home with their children (none of the women in his family work outside the home, even though that trend is changing now), there were always so many things going on, family marriages to attend and help plan, religious festivals, birthdays, anniversaries, visits and vacations and dinners and parties to plan. They live in a sort of sacred festival time. I’m sure they also have their days when the children are screaming, when the work of doing and undoing becomes too much to bear. But on those hard days, they can call each other, go have tea, share the burden.

I suppose those are two sides of the same coin—the desire to add some variety and fun and purpose to my day, and the loneliness of not really knowing anyone really well here yet.

Wise Pixie once mentioned to me that I was free to choose another story, one that would fulfill me, instead of forever seeing myself with nose to the glass, outside in the rain while the celebrations went on inside. Unable to go inside, unable to be a part of it all. It’s interesting how much I have arranged my life, however unconsciously, to fit the confines of that story. I love the fact that I’ve been able to live out my gypsy dreams, moving with TEG from place to place. But I never dreamed of day when there would be only silence between us. Sure, I was always lonely whenever we moved—it’s not easy for me to make friends. But I always had him. I don’t feel that way anymore.

Blogging helps to fill those empty places, but I still feel at a remove—I don’t have the time or the ideas to post everyday, to comment as much as I would like, so I know that I’m still very much on the periphery of things. And that’s frustrating too—I started this blog to begin a daily writing practice, but I don’t post often enough for it to feel substantial. I mentioned once that I wanted to use this blog to gain momentum as I inch towards my writing dreams, but it can feel like the same hamster wheel—the same emotions, the same thoughts, the same words, no growth, just promises I break to myself and ideas that never lead to something more. Honestly, I see you all moving forward, doing the hard work of transformation, and I wonder why I can try the same things—the mirror meditation, Sunday Scribblings, journaling--and not get anywhere with them. But then I ask myself...where do I want to go? Am I putting in as much effort as my blog sisters? Or is this something else I try and then mysteriously give up before I can see any results in my life?

When I was in labor with Madam, I pushed as hard as I could, ineffectually, trying to move into the pain and through the other side, but I always stopped just before the push became productive. I had prepared so much for this moment, learned all sorts of mindfulness techniques and breathing exercises to surrender to the moment and allow my body to work instinctively. And yet...I was afraid of the pain, and that fear moved us back and forth, back and forth, but always in place. I tried so hard, knowing that her life was literally at stake. I tried with everything in me. So why couldn't I do it?

I couldn’t build on momentum. And I still can’t.

Ugh, I didn’t mean to sound as whiny as I just did. It’s just been a hard day in these parts.

Hope things are better with all of you.

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8 Comments:

Blogger deirdre said...

Oh Honey, I wish there was some magic word I could chant with you that would make it all clear. Not that I have any answers. I know how frustrated I feel when it looks like everyone but me knows how this life thing works, and then I realize that most people just figure it out as they go along. As you are. It may not feel like it yet, but you are doing the hard work, and there will be results. And no one gets to tell you what your way should look like. {{{hugs}}}

10:53 PM, August 31, 2006  
Blogger Remiman said...

madougrrl,
Sometimes, not always, but sometimes we need to change the words we use when we talk to ourselves. Instesad of can't, say can, instead of couldn't say could.

Then ask yourself; when will I do it? And why didn't I do it?
It may not make the day easier, but it can make the path clearer.

Some times I make myself laugh outloud uncontorably in public. It makes other folks feel better and amazingly, sometimes my mood improves too. ;-)
rel

4:15 AM, September 01, 2006  
Blogger Susannah said...

i think sometimes we move forward the most when we sit still. that sounds quite wise doesn't it? lol . i am in suspended animation at the moment, so i empathise with your frustrations, i really do. hugs to you love xx

6:46 AM, September 01, 2006  
Anonymous Shannon (Sentimental) said...

As I told you last night, I very much see myself in you. You have all it, the answers, in the words you just spoke, have spoke and continue to speak. Read them, listen! The only limit is set by you. You say now, OKAY...what do I do what that right?

Try thinking of your master narrative. The place your life is right now and than build on it making a counter story and that story be your own. The master narrative is set by society, the box others place us in. We buy into the notion we have to be what others want us to be. The counter story is realizing just how fabulous we are all on our own.

We all get there, we just have to take a leap of faith and trust me when it is right there is always pillows at the bottom.

8:27 AM, September 01, 2006  
Anonymous beansprout said...

Hey Sweet One!

You answered my call for collaborators! That was a BIG step even if you don't see it as one. I think that you are an amazing writer and I would consider it an honor and privilege to create something with you. See? You don't have to do it alone and neither do I. If I can help in any other way please let me know. i am here. Take good care.

11:16 AM, September 01, 2006  
Blogger Star said...

delurking to tell you I'm going through a similar time of re-evaluation. my responses to the the on-line participatory things you listed seem shallow and meaningless and make me feel small when i read the works of others. i'm taking a bit of a vacation from the blog to rethink things. know that you are not alone in this struggle.

3:50 PM, September 01, 2006  
Blogger wendylou who? said...

Ok..tantrums are hard...like brink of insanity hard. I'm in teen tantrum hell now..I'm thinking of starting a second blog...named something like.."not enough Prozac in the World". I've been bored being a mom before.,too. I've fantasized the same things...I have no answer..but an idea...that its all same at the end..The boredom, the excitement, the cycles, the novel...all part of the same life. We just value things more at different seasons. When things are crazy, we long for time...When things are borng we long for action...When kids are small, we can't wait til they can be more independant..and then they grow and we want them back.

I find you very honest,and if more people were as honest as you are...I think you'de find yourself very far from alone in this problem.

Hang in there, cause really, no one knows what will happen next...do we??

4:53 PM, September 01, 2006  
Anonymous Fern said...

"Nothing is terrible and nothing is working, either."

That really hits home for me. It's just this constant lack of interest in the life you have. Worse, I sometimes feel that there's nothing that could interest me again! I try to picture exactly what I would rather be doing, and I can think of nothing.
Sometimes we go through times like that, where nothing seems to be going right. But then something happens...we find inspiration in the strangest places when we need it.
Maybe subconsciously, we are seeking it out at these times. So keep your eyes open, and keep having faith that things will get better.

3:28 PM, September 02, 2006  

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