Friday, October 23, 2009

Thoughts in search of a blog post

*Madam has a serious girl crush on another little girl in her classroom. She pretends to be this girl at home, talks rapturously about their playtime in school, and has even chosen attire based on whether it resembled something the Beloved had worn to school.

*This is seriously adorable.

*And after spending a few minutes with Beloved's mom, let me share my own Mommy Crush. I so want to be her friend. I've made some overtures, which have not been entirely rebuffed. So I live in hope.

*If isolation is the dream killer, well...I should be living in an Endless Day. It's not that bad, but I am lonely. Part of that is moving to a new neighborhood. It shouldn't make as big a difference as it has. And yet. I find myself staring out the kitchen window a great deal and chatting with squirrels. (Insert Nuts joke here)

*One thing I would like to do is start a writing group. I work better when I have some support (and the occasional deadline). Anyone know anyone interested in a virtual group?

*This probably would have worked better when I was more involved in the Blogosphere. Oh
well...have to start somewhere.

*Speaking of deadlines...Nanowrimo is coming! I am excited/nervous/apprehensive/slightly nauseous about the whole thing. I have an idea, but no real outline or scenes sketched out yet.

*Luckily, I still have a week.

*Unfortunately, I'll be extremely busy with family for that time.

*But there are always nights, and I really, really want to write something.

*There is no real way to end a post like this.

*Except, this.


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Sunday, October 18, 2009

Mardougrrl, 1 and Silence, 0

(cool picture from here.)

I'm nervous.

Oh, I know there isn't really any reason to be. I'm sitting in my basement (yes, I bought a house! Probably more on that later...) with my laptop perched like a faithful Lab on my lap. I'm not running away from saber toothed tigers or battling conquering hordes or...

And yet.

I'm nervous to break up the pristine deadness of this blog.


Well, back when I used to write regularly and often, I tossed words here with abandon, careless...if they landed and took root, great...if not? They were so much fodder. And that worked for me, helped me hear my own thoughts when it seemed like my every inch of my life was straining to accommodate the Great Change, aka Motherhood.

This place helped save my mind.

But along the way, others occasionally wandered by, and sometimes they liked what they read, and said so.

Uh-oh. Suddenly, my blog was no longer this foolish hole in which to plant all the words that had no place in my new life. Suddenly, I felt like I had to be Good, all of the time. And well, no one is good ALL the time (I hope!)

My brain obliged this newfound fear by forgetting the entire English language. And if any words managed to evade this verbal apocalypse, well...that's OK, because I also, conveniently, forgot every single thing I have ever known about storytelling. It's narrative aphasia.

It's a damn shame.

Especially since I still long, more than anything, to be a writer.

I don't mean to, but I get very attached to my words, especially when I am proud of them. And I also start to think that, just maybe, I have used up my alloted words and need to be quiet now. I remember the stories I have written here through a haze of sepia nostalgia, convinced that I will never be able to write anything like them again. And maybe I won't. But maybe I can write something different. Maybe I can just keep writing something different. Maybe I can just keep writing.

In the spirit of “Kill your darlings” I toyed with the idea of crashing this whole blog down, erasing the whole thing.

But I'm really not ready to do that yet. This place represents a fertile period for my imagination, and I need it to remember that such a thing is really possible.

Instead, I'll endeavor to create more careless darlings here, and people will either read them (yes, please!) or not (boo! Come back!).

And I'll be doing Nanowrimo again too, because sometimes the very best thing to do is throw down words upon words, good, bad, indifferent.

I won't hope I can keep it up this time. I just will.


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