Wednesday, April 18, 2007

Finding Water check in, week 7 and 8

This is going to be short, most likely, as I seem to have taken a wrong turn somewhere in this book and I’m now hopelessly behind.

It is probably a sign of my own state of mind lately that I found J.C.’s voice a little less morose this week. I have a bit of my own sadness licking around the edges of my life. Madam and I have not been getting along, and while I try to look at her tantrums as weather events, it’s been hard. It’s hard to be screamed at so many times a day by a child I love so much, knowing that she’s frustrated at her inability to really communicate with me, and not being able to help. The worry about her lack of words is beginning to hang in my apartment like low clouds. TEG thinks we should wait until she’s two to get her screened. I’d like to do it now. I think we’re both afraid of what we might find.

So, yes, tantrums and screaming here in Chez OHT. Help.

My morning pages (and I missed 4 days of them last week) are even boring to me lately. I completely relate to J.C.’s problems with self-pity, i.e. poor me, poor me, pour me a drink. When I’m unbalanced, not getting enough sleep, and not writing (more on that later) all of my most shadowy traits come forth. And leading the dysfunctional parade? Self-pity.

I’m working on it. Or rather, I would be working on it, if I knew how.

Today, I bought a book (have I mentioned my love for $1 used books?) about modern women writers. In the section on Anne Tyler, she mentions that she keeps photography books around her living room, in order to replenish her well. These days, artist dates are nonexistent. So, I’m looking for different ways to take mental trips. This sounds like a good plan. Normally, I fill myself up with words, glorious wonderful words, but I find myself longing for no-thought, for image. For something that lifts me out of myself.

Or I could just watch Zee TV and get a vicarious hit of India. I’ve wanted to write about India so many times here, but somehow the words never flow. Perhaps because my experience of India is intensely visual ecstatic visions—brilliant colors and whirling dancing to a bhangra beat that seems like my heart beating outside my body. Watching the mobile faces that stream by, unending humanity fluttering by in kurta pajamas, A melodic sea of words that I don’t always understand, leaving me free to imagine conversation and slang and histories.

See? That doesn’t even begin to describe it. Luckily, Maddy and Jessie do a much better job.

And that’s why I am loving the Abhishek Bachchan and Aishwarya Rai wedding coverage—because it’s all taking place in neighborhoods where I have lived and walked, laughing with TEG’s cousins. Areas where I’ve sat, shaded from the sun, and had a veg sandwich and a mango juice. Areas where I’ve driven, late in the night, after a dissipated evening drinking coffee at one of the five star hotel restaurants and philosophizing while I shivered in the too-strong air conditioning.

So, all this to say that I didn’t really do much with these chapters. I may go back and try some of the divining rods. I have been writing letters to God in my morning pages lately. Slowly, slowly, I am trying to reconnect myself to my faith. I know it’s in there somewhere.

(Ed note: Blogger isn't letting me post a picture of the happy (and lovely) couple, so you can see them here.)



Anonymous Frida said...

Tantrums and shouting and lack of sleep - it doesn't add up to a very full well. I also find myself slipping into self-pity sometimes and you are right, it doesn't help lift myself back up. But sometimes I have to give it an hour or so - no guilt and no recriminations, just think, feel and journal it all out. No stopping myself in mid pity flow.

Sometimes it helps me move on.

I'm thinking of you.

2:48 AM, April 19, 2007  
Blogger Ally Bean said...

I like the Anne Tyler suggestion. I have a collection of photo books of home decor from various countries that help me escape from the mundane and gain some perspective. Most of them are from Half Price Books. Not $1.00 books like you find, but as close as I can get.

Hang in there.

10:17 AM, April 19, 2007  
Blogger bee said...

i hear you! and i see you...and i'm hugging you. (feel?)

mardou, look up "all about chakras" by lily rooman. it's a great place to start.

i haven't done the morning pages really at all. i read so far ahead that i'm waiting for y'all to catch i think it's just that we're all doing it together, absorbing what we can. i think once we start getting down on ourselves for not adhering to the "rules" of the "way" then we get down on ourselves, and creativity was stifled. so...whatever. if you think your mps are full of self pity...give them a rest.

are you a blood type a? i am...and it sounds like you and i have similar ways of dealing with stress. ie: not at all. :S (i'm speaking more for myself there.) type a's apparently have more cortisol, ie: stress-producing hormone in their bloodstream and when they're out of whack, they're prone to depression and self pity.

i found the blood type diet (i'm not on it right now, but i was for a while) really helpful. STRICT, but helpful.

it'll get better. i can't help you withmadam, but it WILL.

your verification is "luseye", which i'm reading as "loose eye"...if i take a lesson from your verification, it's to open up and the relief i'm looking for will appear, maybe not in the form i expected it to...but it will.

10:49 AM, April 19, 2007  
Anonymous bella said...

Oh, I know how little girls can be. Time, love, hugs & patience. Easier said than done, right? Right! It'll all work out, I'm sure.
I poured myself a drink today with all that's going on in the world - and in my world. Bleh. Must be something to do with the new moon.
I'm as in love with Montenegro as you are with India, so I feel you here. I can smell the scents on the streets and long for the day my feet are walking along the coast of the Adriatic sea. It's so hard to explain.
Hope things get better with the little one.. and you.

8:56 PM, April 20, 2007  
Anonymous fern said...

Hi babe,
I'm so sorry we lost touch. But know that I think of you and pray for your family often. I hope we can reconnect soon, I've been missing you so!
Have patience with yourself and Anjali, you both are so precious. I'm happy that you've been writing again, even if it isn't coming along as quickly as you'd like.
Have heart my dear, better days are coming.

P.S- Ash and Abhishek are gorgeous, I want an indian wedding, dammit!

9:28 PM, April 20, 2007  
Blogger Amber said...

I think it is very hard to be creative, and be a mom. At least it is for me. I thought I would get so much writing done being home with my kids. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! HA! Maybe because of the trantrums, but maybe because we are creative all the time with our kids and they suck it up from us?

You be easy on yourself. You will have a day when it all goes wonderfully!


12:13 AM, April 22, 2007  
Blogger Melba said...

Early intervention is an amazing program and Sooo helpful. Get screened now! Guidelines for how far behind a child has to be to get services changes at every if you wait until Madam is 2 she might miss getting services.
If you have any questions let me know. Ethan was a bit behind in walking and I am so glad I called right away and got services!


6:58 PM, April 22, 2007  
Anonymous tammy vitale said...

well, you are way ahead of me. I've dropped reading the book almost entirely except for little darts back in here and there and morning pages, which were going so swimmingly have dried up too. I'll point at the new job as the culprit since I can't point at kids (who are grown and out of the house)(mostly). But reading your story posted after this post, I'd say you really aren't having that many problems - lovely writing!

4:53 PM, April 25, 2007  

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