This and that

And the day came when the risk it took to remain tightly closed in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to bloom. --Anais Nin

I started this blog, in large part, because I wanted to give myself an excuse to write something meant to be consumed by other people. I’m incredibly shy about sharing my writing...so I end up sitting on it, with no feedback and feeling stuck. I thought and thought (and thought, but two repetitions should give you the idea) about starting a blog precisely because I was not sure if I wanted to put myself out there like that. What would I say? Would anyone care? In my negative heart of hearts (mine is black and vaguely burned, a bit like the house of blues logo), I thought “Of course I have nothing to say...and even if I did, no one would care.”

Surprisingly, this whole process has opened up a desire in me to SAY something, to have people read me and comment. For the first time, I want my writing to be a part of a conversation that doesn’t beginning and end with me. So to say I was thrilled with my first set of comments doesn’t begin to describe it...it’s like I sent out my little message in the bottle and it actually reached shore! So, thanks for your generosity, YummyTeece.

Of course, in my positive heart of hearts (with little wings, natch; I’m still working on my visual iconography...hence the lack of images in my blog so far), I thought I would put up perfectly polished mini-essays of such profound brilliance that I’d instantly find myself enmeshed in a creative community—a salon. But my thoughts aren’t quite that neat yet...there’s a mess without (my poor apartment!) and a mess within. I need to learn to create within the chaos. So I’ll probably cycle around thoughts and themes as needed, and probably contradict myself a good deal.

I’m still searching to find my voice...nothing quite feels organic yet. This is a problem in daily life, as well, which often leads me to say nothing at all for fear of saying it wrong. This is why my novel lies unedited and unfinished, despite the fact that I think about it almost everyday. This is why I don’t know a soul in The Golden State yet, in spite of having lived here a year.

Well, I’m through with this silence. It’s time to create and play and be somebody. I’m planning to use this blog as a laboratory, searching for the right words. Or any words. I’m sure I’ll end up imitating lots of writers that I admire. If I do...remember what they say about imitation and thanks for the inspiration. If I sound a bit like the verbal equivalent of a child wobbling unsteadily in her mother’s heels...well, that’s OK too. After all, I did finally learn to walk in my own high heels.

Hopefully this hodge podge will lead me to myself.

Because I am finding that this tight old bud doesn’t fit me anymore.