Friday, June 15, 2007

Where I'm at

Every evening, as I sit in the bedroom waiting for Madam to go to sleep, I blog in my mind. Yes, if I wrote down even half of those posts, I would be one of the more prolific bloggers instead of, Usually, I manage to have an idea, develop it to a certain point, and lose interest in it all before Madam's eyes start to droop. I am aware that this perfectionism serves no one, but it's almost like I am watching it approaching like a storm over the trees. Powerless to stop it.

So I am writing now, if only to be able to remind myself that the words CAN come, some of them, even when they don't seem to be going anywhere in particular.

In my moments of block, it's easy for me to think that the problem is a complete lack of words, but usually, it's too many words. As you all know, I read obsessively, one book lighting the other. Words whirl and crash and crowd thickly, but not my words. I can't manage to hear myself at all. During these times, I think about Julia Cameron's advice about going on a media fast, but...I don't have the willpower. My books bring me SO much pleasure—propped against the toaster as I make my morning coffee, waiting for Madam's occasional nap How could I give that up?

Besides (she says virtuously), every now and then the books deliver on their promise. Thanks to a recommendation from Catherine in my last post, I picked up the Outlandish Companion by Diana Gabaldon. I remember having read, and enjoyed, her Outlander. But it was her words on the writing process that I have found positively inspiring. And her confidence! She claimed her creativity and storytelling ability without apology or disclaimers. Listening to her made me face something. I don't believe a lot of what I say about myself. I put myself down as a form of self-protection, so that people don't do it first. So that people don't ask “who does she think she is? She's not that good.” It's easier to live down to lowered expectations, I suppose. Listening to someone who refused to do that was startling, a slap into sanity that reminds me that it's a CHOICE to put myself down all of the time.

Maybe, just maybe, I am that good.

Is it possible for me to admit that?
Thank you all for your birthday wishes! It was a lovely day—a wonderful new present, flowers, and a three hour nap from Madam! I have so much hope for 34. THAT'S difficult for me to admit as well. I have an ingrained belief that is sort of the opposite of the Secret/Law of Attraction mentality. I believe that if I allow myself to dream big and HOPE, the Universe's vast disapproving eye will pivot towards me, and misery will rain down on my head.

So I'm hoping...openly, and carrying a big umbrella.



Blogger deirdre said...

I'm so glad to see you taking some credit for your skill and talent. Yes, yes ... believe you are someone special.

Diana Gabaldon also has a series of podcasts about her writing process and the books (all of them). And she does a wickedly wonderful author event. (You know there are five more books in the series?)

1:55 AM, June 15, 2007  
Blogger Jessie said...

dang, i want coffee with you. right now!! i want to sit outside in the sun and talk about books and writing and life.

i love you, dear m. want to get together for coffee on sunday?

7:45 AM, June 15, 2007  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I totally understand your reverse law of attraction idea. I think the same way.

I've always heard that God laughs when we make plans.

10:17 AM, June 15, 2007  
Blogger Melba said...

The first paragraph made me laugh...Yes...if I had the power to post mentally...

Practive Believing you are Worthy of Abundance because You Are!

1:21 PM, June 15, 2007  
Blogger Becca said...

Yes, you ARE that good! And not just in a cosmic sort of way - the way I believe all women have abilities they should share. For me, your writing has that extra something most of us don't get. In the music business, it's called the "it factor." And you have "it" in spades. Believe it and go for it!

9:19 AM, June 16, 2007  
Blogger Amber said...

You need to stop putting yourself down! Stop the thought as soon as you start to have it, an replace it with "I am whole in this moment".

You know, a lot can be said for talking yourself UP. My mom and I were talking about this not long ago. She asked if she had done "anything right?" And I said, I think she did, in that she constantly was telling us that we were talented and brilliant and more beautiful than just about anyone else. It might not have been true, and it might have given us a little bit of a shock when we realized that not everyone else "realized how wonderful" we were. LOL! But it gave us ground to stand on. It planted a seed of confidence that grew roots...

You need to keep telling yourself how great you are! Because you really, really are talented. Claim it, and hold on to it, and start to think that it is only a matter of time before the world knows it...And if for some reason you run into nay-sayer, well. They are obviously stupid, as my mom would tell us. Poor people. ;)


12:00 AM, June 17, 2007  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

YAY! I was just so happy to read this post. Finally! She gets it! HORRAY!
You are so precious and talented..and not in the generic "everyone is precious and talented" way. Go for your dreams! You're wonderful!

9:18 PM, June 17, 2007  
Blogger bubandpie said...

It's hard sometimes to believe in ourselves - but I find it much easier to be skeptical of my inner editor. It tells me, "That post idea sucks," but every once in awhile I remember that I'm a lousy judge of my own writing - and it helps.

9:54 PM, June 23, 2007  

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